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Dillon Wilson

Dillon Wilson is a Pisces, enjoys long romantic strolls along the beach and is the host of the upcoming show ‘Politics Uncensored’. An accomplished comedian and actor, Dillon also enjoys waterboarding in his spare time.... read more

New Report Shows Middle Class Now On Endangered Species List

Dillon Wilson on 10/08/2013

middleclass1MOD2WASHINGTON— Based on the latest reports from the nation’s leading economists, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Monday that the American Middle Class now qualifies for protection on the endangered species list.

“What’s sad is that the great American Middle Class once roamed freely across the continent spending money openly at shopping malls, going on annual migrations called ‘vacations’ and even reproducing in large numbers yet now their jobs are gone, their savings is gone and many have even lost their natural habitat…their house and country club membership” said a tearful Daniel Ashe, Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. “Worst of all, there’s only 35 of them left.”

Realizing the now critically endangered species of Americans is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 2 years, conservationists announced plans Tuesday for a new captive breeding program designed to save the Middle Class.

“Our new program is designed to isolate the few remaining specimens of Middle Class, mate them in captivity, and then safely release these rare and precious creatures back into society,” said Stacey Barclay of the Association Of Bleeding Heart Liberals (ABHL), who traces the decline of the species to the devastating effect of the Super Predators ‘Bush and Cheney’, changes in the economic climate as well as the dwindling job market. “Within our safe, enclosed habitats, these weakened decrepit citizens can once again drive their cars without fear of not having enough gas money, and start figuring out a way to get out of the massive personal debt they’ve accumulated.”

One strategy that’s being implemented is cross breeding the Middle Class with homeless people, to build up their numbers. The Association Of Bleeding Heart Liberals commented that forced breeding of the Middle Class in captivity is a humane, necessary procedure designed to simulate mating in the wild. “In fact, one of our specimens, a Stanley Higgins, has already been mated with 3 homeless women in the past week alone. Despite the fact that he frequently complained about their pungent odor, and the fact that he’s gay, we are happy to report that the mating was successful!”

Meagan Fallon, Representative for the Association Of Bleeding Heart Liberals, stated their attempt to mate the Middle Class with the wealthy proved to be disastrous. “We tried mating an Adrienne Green with Donald Trump yet tragically after spending only a few hours listening to Trump bragging about how great he is, and being frightened on several occasions by the mystery creature living on his head, Adrienne flung herself from the top floor of Trump Tower screaming “I’d rather go extinct!!!” before she exploded on the sidewalk below.

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Donald Trump with ‘mystery creature’ perched on his head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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